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another boring saturday night. not much to do and actually not much going on in my head.thats a good thing. my heads been crazy lately and hasn't been "working" well for the last few months. so i actually quit listening to all the people that told me "not to take medicine" and decided that it actually has helped me a lot the last few years. after stopping the lexapro in march and being of any anti-depressant the last four months i have realized how much it helped me and impacted my life.

the lexapro helped me concentrate a lot. at first when i started school back in january i could sit in class or at the computer for a few hours without my mind wondering or losing my concentration. around the end of april and begginig of may is when i started to spiral out of control again. my moods were very swingy, i started to have problems sitting in class for long periods at a time or even focusing on my projects and what i was doing, i started to feel very apathetic and angry at the same time, i didnt do anything except go to school and work, everything i thought was negative, and i just felt like i was losing my grip on reality. then the worst came this past sunday when i just sat down at work, said i cant do this and started to cry. my friends tried to comfort me but its hard cause they dont understand what im dealing with. we then got slammed and everything was fine. i was bustin out orders and talking to everyone and felt like i had control. once we slowed down it all came back. after i left work and got home and just started to completly break down again. this time in front of my mom. i was shaking very badly and felt like i wasnt even in this same world anymore. i was so scared i thought i had lost it. my mom calmed me down and eventually i went to sleep.

i went to my doctors appointment the next day and she said everything i was experiencing was from my bi-polar and my anxiety. i let it all get out of control and it completly took over me. so she talked to me and helped me a lot.

thursday i talked to my other doctor. i gave him a list of everything i had been on before(celexa, klonopin, effexor, zyprexa, lexapro, and tried geoden and abilify) and told him the two that worked the best for me. effexor, the first thing i ever tried, and lexapro, what i was on for the last two years. i also told him that when i was on the lexapro i was partying a lot. i was mixing my meds with alcohol, pain killers occasionally, and was blacking out all the time and not remembering anything that happened. so we talked about the pros and cons of these medicines and i have been on something new the last two days.

now im on wellbutrin xl. he started me on 150mgs and in 2 weeks i will go up to 300mgs. so far its been two days and im a hell of a lot calmer then i have been the last couple months. i will probably feel the full effects of the medicine around a month from now. i plan to stick with it but if i end up not likeing it he said i can just go back on the lexapro sice that seemed to work the best.

a few things that i leaned over the last few months and even few years: 1. dont mix alcohol with my meds.(i havent drank for about a month)
2. taking my meds everyday is very important if i want to be in control of my disease.
3. learn cognitive thinking(seems to be helpful so far.)
4. taking my meds are more important then being fucked up.
5. control and realize if and when im going into remission so i can control it and counter act it.
6. not to self medicate(i used to do it all the time)
7. stick with my therapy because it seems to be helping a lot.
8. dont fear anything new(im afraid of change)
9. dont be afraid of change.
10. if i feel myself getting in a "mood" dont go with it like i used to, fight it and beat it to get in a better mood.
11. learn from what i have done in the past and not make the same mistaked for about a 5th time.

this week i have been on vacation from scool and work. my goal on this vacation was to get a grip on my life so i didnt spiral complelty out of control. so far i think im succeding. i got a little grip and need to keep on grippin!!! i now know how important it is to manage this disease and take control of it cause if i dont i will end up quitng school(did it twice before cause i was depressed and couldnt focus) and even losing(got fired once before cause of my mouth).

anyways, writing seems to be helping me a lot also. my woderful plans for my boring evening: watch movies. i rented a few. i rented "the human stain" "dangerous lives of alter boys" and "imaginary people". im gonna quit rambling for now cause if i dont i will keep on going for hours............